Make your mind a safe space

You have probably already encountered your fair share of self-critical thoughts. It may look like: “I’m not attractive enough”, “I’m a bad parent” or even “I’m a failure”. The purpose of this post is to help you become more aware of self-critical thoughts and how to diffuse their sabotaging power.

Self-critical thoughts – when believed – can cause tremendous strain and sabotage your inner well-being. On the other hand, making peace with the self-critical thoughts that appear in your mind while choosing not to believe them, can be extremely helpful in cultivating inner well-being. The sad thing is that for millions of humans across the globe, their minds are a very unsafe space full of harsh judgements.

I want you to think of your mind as the home you live in. Although you are far more than your mind, it is indeed through your mind that you experience all of life including your self-critical thoughts. I would like to call this place your mind-home.

Now, how about you? How would you rate the safety level of your mind? When you make a mistake or receive critical feedback, do you by default experience self-critical thoughts? Do you tend to believe all of them? And how does that play out?

There is an essential distinction to make in order for you to handle your self-critical thoughts constructively: Having self-critical thoughts is not the problem. How you manage these self-critical thoughts with your mind is what determines whether the self-critical thoughts lead to self-sabotage and suffering.

Where do self-critical thoughts come from?

It is important to see that self-critical thoughts appear in your mind without your choosing. Whether they come from your genes, defence mechanisms and brain patterns formed in childhood (read more in my previous post Compassionate Sanity), social conditioning, trauma, or the collective consciousness, these thoughts just appear. Suddenly they are standing there in your mind-home at no fault of your own. These thoughts are usually accompanied by feelings of frustration, anger, irritation, fear, anxiety, sadness or shame.

That said, the content of the self-critical thoughts you experience is mostly dictated by your motivational drive. If your motivational drive is for example to be strong and in control, your self-critical thoughts will be related to appearing too weak or vulnerable. If your drive is to have certainty and security, your self-critical thoughts tend to be related to worrying or doubting too much. As a last example, if your drive is to be unique and significant, your self-critical thoughts will be related to being too ordinary and not talented enough. Read more about the 9 Enneagram motivational drives here.

How to make your mind a safe space?

Interrupt the self-judging pattern with awareness and kindness. If you don’t do this, the danger is that you could be dragged along in a roller coaster ride of harsh self-judgement that blocks your inner-wellbeing.

This is how you do it:

Notice any feelings of frustration, anger, irritation, fear, anxiety, sadness or shame as a signal that there is indeed a judging thought present that is asking for your attention.
Look out for the thought behind the feeling. For example: I’m bad / I’m a loser / I’m useless / I’m not beautiful enough / I’m not worthy.
See the thought for what it is. The self-critical thought is just a judgement that you did not choose that appeared in your mind. It is an unfriendly visitor that found its way into your mind-home and it’s not your fault that it’s there.
Observe this unfriendly visitor with kindness. Let go of all your attempts to resist and fight this unfriendly visitor. This might feel counterintuitive, but it is the antidote to the suffering created by your mind’s self-judging pattern. Although the unfriendly visitor might still be there, your awareness and kindness diffuse its negative power over you. As the power of this unfriendly visitor is diffused, your inner well-being is activated.
Remember that you have the power to choose not to believe the message of this self-critical thought. Just because an unfriendly visitor is there doesn’t mean he presents the truth of who you are. See that you are not the unfriendly visitor and its message doesn’t have to define you. Through bringing awareness and kindness to this unfriendly visitor you are no longer controlled by it.

But what if you did make a mistake or your actions hurt someone else?

Know that judging yourself more harshly has never solved any problem for anyone ever. Neither has anyone become a more kind and loving person by judging themselves more. Judging yourself more only helps to make you feel miserable and can also help to feed a habitual pattern of feeling anger or shame towards yourself.
Remember you are also a human with imperfections who make mistakes like all other humans. You can apologise or make amends without judging yourself and getting entangled with self-critical thoughts.
You can reflect critically to grow and develop as a human without judging yourself. “I have to beat myself up to make amends!” does not have to be part of your growth process.

Isn’t it perhaps selfish to meet your self-critical thoughts with kindness?

Consider that only to the extent you can treat yourself with kindness, can you treat others with kindness. By practising to meet your self-critical thoughts with kindness you thus become a more kind and loving person. The ancient wisdom still remains: Loving yourself translates to loving your neighbour.

In a nutshell

A self-critical thought is any thought that involves judging yourself. When you believe these thoughts and get entangled with them your mind becomes an unsafe space for you to live in. In short: when you believe these self-critical thoughts you suffer.

To make your mind a safe space you need to radically shift your relationship with all the self-critical thoughts that appear in your mind: You practice meeting them with awareness and kindness, rather than resisting, fighting or believing them.

Making your mind a safe space is an act of self-love and you are worthy of love and belonging.

Your mind is your only home.

Make it a safe space irrespective of all the unfriendly visitors.

Much love,

Renier